Friday, September 21, 2012

The Newts by Matt Valenti @MattDValenti

The Newts

His real name is Ed Wurlitzerbachermann, and he’s a middle-aged bald man who is opposed to gay marriage, illegal immigrants, and anything they do in San Francisco. Health care reform makes him sick. All he knows about socialism is that he’s against it. And he will never, ever eat arugula. But nothing makes him angrier than the Democrat in the White House, and he doubts the Republican challenger for the presidency can win the election (or that he’s even a true Republican).

So Ed the Electrician comes up with a glorious, wonderful, idiotic plan to save America: he’ll resurrect a Founding Father, and get him to run for President!

And when a shocking accident sends Ed to the mythical underworld of Hades, he has the chance to bring back someone even better than a Founding Father. With the dubious help of a couple of Greek gods—the politically-connected ‘Historical Consultant’ Hermes, and the cross-dressing, pot-smoking Dionysus—Ed will try to resurrect the most beloved conservative American in history, a man who spent half his life as a Democrat and only raised taxes eleven times—none other than Ronald Wilson Reagan!

Along the way Ed will learn the answers to some very profound spiritual and political questions—like why the wall between church and state needs to be torn down and simultaneously rebuilt, where corporations like Enron and Lehman Brothers go when they die, and when it’s okay for the government to raise taxes. (The answer to this last one, of course, is never.)


Twitter: @MattDValenti

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